Looking forward is not enough; must move forward.

I need somewhere to hide. Somewhere to be myself. I am not encouraging anyone to feel any particular way. This is what I'm feeling. This is what I'm going through.

Quick Answers to General Qs


Height: 5’5”

Highest Weight: 265lbs

Lowest Weight: 89lbs

Goal Weight: 115lbs

Favorite Diet Food: Carrot Chips

Favorite Binge Food: Lay’s Original

Favorite Exercise: Power 90

Favorite thinspo: Hipbones, wrists, stomachs, legs 

Restricting/counting: Restricting is 0 cals and Counting never goes past 500 cals

Does Anyone Know: Currently?  My best friend.  Pretty sure my husband is not so stupid as not to realize.  I’ve been in several treatment centers over the years, so my family and closest friends know that I “used” to have a problem.  I’m not sure anyone could ever really know how involved in my ED I am at any given moment.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: Currently I’m consuming roughly 200 cals max in any given day.

What Do You See When You Look in the Mirror:  I see someone I don’t recognize.  I see someone I hate.  I see a body that has been mutilated my pregnancy, self and age.  I see folds and rolls and skin and stretch marks.  I hate the mirror!

Are You In A Relationship: Yes

Are you depressed: An easier question to ask would be “Are you happy” to which I could easily and promptly reply, NO!

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: Yes

Ever Been To A Psychologist: Yes, several and several Psychiatrists

I AM -

[ ] anorexic

[x] ednos

[ ] bulimic

[ ] living off diet pills

[ ] hungry

[ ] thirsty

[x] drinking something

[ ]Under 100lbs

[x] starving yourself

[ ] participating in a fast

PEOPLE -

[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic

[ ] call me fat

[ ] say I’m skinny

[ ] say I’m ugly

[x] say I’m pretty

[ ] spread rumors about me

[]force me to eat

[ ] say I eat too much

[x ] wish I’d eat more

[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH -

[x] I was THIN

[x] I had a better body

[x] I didn’t have to eat

[x] I could control myself

[x] I was under 100lbs

[x] I could avoid food

[] I could hide what I am

[X] I wasn’t fat

[] I was pretty

[ ] I could stop being ana/mia then maybe i would be a little more normal

I LOVE -

[x] feeling hungry

[x] seeing a difference

[x] shaking

[] being weak 

[x] losing weight

[ ] being anorexic/bulimic/ednos

[] green tea

[x] diet pills

[x] being able to turn down food

[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE -

[] I am shorter than 5’4. 

[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.

[x] I have many scars. 

[x] I tan easily.

[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.

[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.

[x ] I have a tattoo.

[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.

[] I have/had braces.

[] I wear glasses….contacts.

[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.

[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger

[x] I have more than 2 piercings. 

[x] I have/had piercings in places besides my ears.

[ ] I have freckles

FAMILY -

[x ] I’ve sworn at my parents.

[ ] I’ve run away from home

[ ] I’ve been kicked out of the house.

[] My biological parents are together.

[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.

[] I want to have kids someday.

[x ] I’ve had children.

[ ] I’ve lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT

[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation

[x] Disney movies still make me cry.

[x ] I’ve peed from laughing.

[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.

[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.

[ ] I’ve glued my hand to something

[x ] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.

[ ] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS -

[ ] I’m single

[] I’m in a relationship.

[ ] I’m engaged.

[x ] I’m married.

[x ] I’ve gone on a blind date.

[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.

[x] I miss someone right now.

[x] I have a fear of abandonment.

[ ] I’ve cheated in a relationship.

[ ] I’ve gotten divorced

[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.

[x ] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.

[x ] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

[] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY -

[ ] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.

[ ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.

[] I am a cuddler.

[ ] I’ve been kissed in the rain.

[] I’ve hugged a stranger.

[] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY -

[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t

[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.

[] I’ve snuck out of my house.

[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.

[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.

[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.

[x] I’ve cheated on a test.

[x ] I’ve been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES -

[x] I’ve consumed alcohol. 

[ ] I regularly drink.

[ ] I can’t swallow pills.

[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem

[x ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.

[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.

[x] I take anti-depressants.

[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.

[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.

[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.

[] I’m addicted to self harm.

[x] I’ve woken up crying

[x] I’ve lost weight

[x] I’ve gained weight

[x] My weight holds me back

[x] Weight consumes me.

[ ] I’m at my thinnest

[ ] I’m at my biggest

[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off

[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back

[x] My weight affects my mood

[x ] I weigh myself daily

[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me

[] I thrive on compliments

[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size

[] I feel happy when I’m hungry

[x] I get depressed after I eat

[x] I’ve skipped a meal

[x] I’ve thrown food away

[x] I’ve spat food out

[x] I’ve fasted

[x] I’ve taken diet pills

[x]I’ve used laxatives

[x] I’ve purged

[x] I exercise

[] I exercise so I can eat

[] I work out secretly

[] I work out daily

[x] I exercise to counteract eating

[x ] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’VE DONE -

[x] Weed

[x] Cigarettes

[x] Alcohol

[x] Diet pills

[x] Pain killers

[x] Anti-depressants

[] Ecstasy

[ ] LSD

[] Speed

[ ] Cocaine

[x] Other

[x] I keep my eating habits a secret

[x] I have a diet blog

[x] I look at thinspo

[x] I collect thinspo

[x] I’m doing this for me

[x ] I’m doing this for someone

[x] I’m doing this to prove myself

Stuck

I’m logical.  I’m smart.  I know all of the, so called, “right” things to do and eat to lose weight.  Why aren’t other people smart enough to realize that it’s not just snap your fingers and start or stop or eat or quit or love yourself.  If I could, of course I’d just love myself just the way I am.  Of course I understand my disorders—EVERYONE ELSE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND!  Everything everywhere is numbers!  Don’t preach to me that the number on the scale doesn’t mean anything.  Bull shit!  It means something.  Even if it didn’t mean something to everyone on the planet, it will always mean something to me.  To say the number the shows up on the scale when I put my fat feet on it doesn’t matter is like saying the number that represents GPA or salary or population or even our address isn’t important.  All of those numbers, including the one on the scale, define us—define our lives.  The dictate where we go professionally, academically, directionally in life.  Numbers are all that people are made up of.  Number of loves, number of kids, number of friends, number of bites, number of calories, number of ounces, number of pounds, number of dollars.  It isn’t just a part of me, of us, it is all of us—all of everything.  So, if the number on the scale isn’t important to you, then I’m guessing your scale number is high and your success numbers are low!  If you love yourself for being a loser at life, you’re probably the only fucking one who loves your fat ass!  The number on the scale fucking matters to me, and to be quite honest, looking at everyone’s fat asses stuffing their faces is far more disgusting and disturbing than looking cute in a size 0 dress surrounded by friends and watching guys crane their necks at me!  Stop worrying about the number that I see on the scale and focus on your own numbers!